Thursday, 29 April 2010

OTT

"Over The Top" or "Over Training Tendencies"? Whatever your view point, both apply. That’s where I’ve been lately. Just in case you were wondering. A month ago. I didn’t mean to take such a hiatus from here. Just kinda happened. Truth be told I took a little bit of a hiatus from my life. So entrenched was I in a world of exercise. Of needing to exercise. Of not even really enjoying it. That my life kinda went down the pan. Odd and slightly crazy time. Thankfully and mercifully I have seen the light and, well, just bloody stopped it. Thanks to the very helpful intervention of several wonderful people. I got myself into a headspace of ‘If I don’t do X,Y,Z at the gym same as I did last week, then I will get fat again’. Ok, so (a) exercise and weight loss do not work on the basis of superstition or repeated patterns, (b) the likelihood of me getting fat again is pretty minimal given the positive changes I have made in my life BUT the same old fear is still there. When I was bigger, I was scared I would never be able to lose weight. Now I have, you would think that my brain would have realised that I did it and thus I wouldn’t be fearful of gaining it all back again. What’s it about? Do I not trust myself? Do I just have to have something to stress over? Or is it deeper than that? Is it ?

So, yes, I got myself into a bit of a pickle. I was absolutely knackered. Had bob all energy. My strength went. I could not sleep at all at night. My legs twitched involuntarily. I was in a full on nark with anyone who mentioned it. I started to down play what I was doing, so if I ran 8 miles I would ‘fess up only to four. I was defensive. It became a compulsion. Just adoring running for running’s sake wasn’t enough. My drive was a compulsion to keep momentum going, My weight dropped even further – not to anything scary, just to 9, 9 but 9,6 is the bare minimum for my height so it was headed that way. I probably lost lean muscle (but I wouldn’t go near the damn ‘magic’ scale at my PT’s to allow him to ascertain it). Eventually he intervened and we devised a behavioural experiment (trying to beat me at my own game…) whereby I allow him total control over my work outs for the next 6 weeks and can only do what’s on the schedule he has devised for me (so, not 4 classes and an 8 mile run all in the same evening –which is what I was doing.) If I ‘get fat again’ (my words, not his) ‘ you can have all your money back’ (his words, not mine).

I massively struggled with this the first week, especially because it was after Easter which was a week long eating and drinking social event fest in my world…but I did it. And I didn’t get fat. The second week….however…the scale said I’d gained 4lbs. Freak out doesn’t even come close. So I was back to crazy workout girl the week after but funnily enough couldn’t as much as I would have liked simply due to busyness. I should have been flying out to the Canary Islands on 17th April. However a certain volcano got in the bloody way. The week before we (should have) left, therefore, I was in a major paddy - all borne out of the abject fear of having to wear a bikini in Spain. But by Friday I was all calm and feeling AMAZING about showing off my new bod and FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER being happy to wear a bikini!

Fecking Volcano…….

So, I’ve had a week off. We went to Abersoch. I ate and drank what I pleased. I chilled out with my friends. I had deep and meaningful conversations. I went to the pub. I went to a baby shower and ate cake. I ran only once. Because I wanted to. Not because I needed to. On the beach. In the early morning. In the surf. On beautiful golden sand. It was magical and divine and felt right. Like a rebirth. Running purely for the sake of adoring it and the fact that I can do it. Not driven by some crazy obsessive compulsion or fear of what might be if I don’t.

Turns out there was light at the end of the tunnel - even one that I didn’t know I was in.

Why oh why did I EVER think that the learning curve would cease when I ‘got to goal’? Nutter.

It’s good to be back. In more ways than one.

L x

4 comments:

Certifiably Fit said...

Sounds like a scary adventure you were on there for a while. Glad to see you seem to be doing better and seeing you back to posting.

Kyle Gershman said...

It always seems to come back to balance. Where I'd like to be as addicted to exercise as I've been addicted to food, I know that can't be good either...well perhaps for a short while for the benefits to truly be realized, but I can totally see that getting out of hand too.

Maintenance isn't as comfortable of a place to be as I thought either...and I really have a lot more I can work on too so that is what I'll keep doing.

Bri said...

I knew something must be going on with you! So unlike you to go so long without blogging! It seems like everyone who goes through the WW spectrum has moments like yours. As long as you realize it's out of balance and work on getting back to a normal, more realistic existence, I think you'll be fine! Great of you to realize you were OTT and seek the help of your trainer!

skinny latte said...

The learning curve never ceases my love - even now I have my days like the ones you've described. It's scary when the obsessive thinking takes over. It's not good. And it's not a fun way to live, because the whole point of getting healthy was to be happy!!

I know for myself personally that once the excess lard was gone, all that was left were the issues that led me to be lardy in the first place - and it was learning to deal with them that was the key. I still have low self esteem, but I don't punish myself as much anymore. I'm learning to be ok with who I am and what I look like and what size I can fit into and what exercise I manage on any given day....and at the end of the day I have to remind myself that the whole point of this was to be a happier, healthier person and to fully realise my potential in life instead of feeling like I was being held back.

Hugs sista, you're not alone. And you rock. Take care of yourself and go easy :) Glad you're back xxxx