....I am DUNZO with eating. With feeling sluggish through food coma induced tiredness.
Christmas was awesome. But now it's back to reality. Five days till weigh in. Damage limitation is ON.....
Laters
BFP xoxo
------------------
Tuesday, 29 December 2009
Christmas....
Cheese. Honey glazed roast ham. Terry's Chocolate Orange. Toblerone. Twiglets. Cashews. Pistachios. Carr's cheese melts. Turkey. Gravy. Potatoes roasted in goose fat. Cheesecake. Butter. Peanuts. White bread. Kettle chips. Cheese. Eggy crumpets. Bacon. Maltesers. Lindor. Champagne. Pink wine. Bucks Fizz. Cava. Red wine. Beer. Chutney. Pickled onions. Sprouts. Carrot and turnip. Pigs in blankets. Stuffing balls. Turkey. Roast beef. Yorkshire pudding. After Eight mints. Curly fries. Curly kale. Cabbage. Cranberry sauce. Horseradish. Twiglets. Cheese. Butter. Chocolate.....
Friday, 18 December 2009
Reflections....
I have quite a serious job. Usually this involves being focused and level-headed…Today, however, I am SERIOUSLY finding it hugely difficult to concentrate on anything, because today, my dear friends, I finish work for TWO WHOLE WEEKS!!! Not only that, but it’s CHRISTMAS! My most favourite time of the entire year….
Needless to say I am a happy bunny today and super-excited. I haven’t taken a big chunk of time off like this in AAAAAGGGGESSSSSS….so I refuse to feel guilty about it! Instead, I am feeling very reflective today – must be a ‘almost the end of the year’ vibe…
I was thinking about this year, and what makes it different from last year. Last year as I entered the party season – I was at least 31.5lbs heavier, so uncomfortable in my own skin, bloated, bad skin, just generally…. ill at ease, y’know?
This year, I am excited about life – particularly the control I have taken back over my eating and attitude to health and exercise. I have come to the conclusion that I am proud of what I have achieved this year. Seems like it’s only just hitting me. Where, in previous years, I would be excited about letting my constant promises to self to ‘be good’ and attempts to eat healthy and exercise regularly completely slide with the ‘legitimate’ excuse of ‘It’s Christmas’, nowadays I feel excited about knowing how to balance the eat-and-drink-athon that is this time of year with exercise and good, wholesome, nutritional, clean eating. I am excited to have time off to be able to run during daylight hours and to take some day time classes. This time of enforced gym ban has also taught me moderation, how to do just enough to balance and enrich my lifestyle, not needing to cane it each and every time I go. This, for me, is possibly the biggest NSV of them all.
I had a sports massage on my legs this week – it was really good, if a little uncomfortable at times - and I was chatting with Mr Trainer Man about goal weight and what not and he really challenged me NOT to set a goal weight. By this he meant get to the aforementioned 147lbs and then stop obsessing on it and challenge myself with different goals – like a time/strength/distance one. ‘And the weight, Liz…’, he said, ‘…will become a secondary issue and just….happen…’
I cannot describe how MUCH I want this to be true! I would LOVE not to be motivated by those digits on the scale. It feels scary even to be contemplating it. This is how I have lived, for better or for worse, for my whole life! I’ve been saying for a while that I’ve been looking for a new challenge and whaddaya know folks – this might just be it….!! YIKES! I’m glad someone has faith in me to be able to do this – because it seems a bit mad to me, but then I’m doing stuff these days that never would have ‘fitted’ with my goals before….what is life without challenges hey? What a difference a year makes…..I’ve just spent half an hour re-reading back through some of these posts and comments and man alive, I feel tremendously humbled that anyone reads this drivel and self delusion! I SERIOUSLY could not have got through this year without you all. Blogging has made SUCH a difference – I feel as if I’ve made friends here! Is that daft? I know we’ve never met in real life, but I think you guys ‘get’ me – possibly more than some of my real life pals in a lot of ways. I’ve shared stuff here that I would NEVER be brave enough to tell someone in real life – so I thank you for putting up with me! Your encouragement and advice and good ol’ fashioned kicks up the arse mean the world to me.
I thought that when I hit goal I would stop this blog – but it’s such a part of my life and if I’ve learnt anything this year, it’s that this is forever- this way of life I’m trying to re-educate myself into, is NOT about a diet. I’m not ‘at’ goal, not yet. I’m not even sure what that means really, truth be told. But what I do know is this:
My attitude towards living healthy and getting the most I can from my one and only body has completely and, I hope, irrevocably changed for the better. I ENJOY living this way. It’s not a chore or a burden, it’s something I have learned to embrace and now love. Funny that!.
So for now, I will continue to witter on in cyberspace. Thank you for being on this journey with me. I urge you to reflect on this year, cast your eyes back, if only for a moment. We’ve been through a lot this year, some of us more than others. It’s my hope that, whatever you have been through, you can find something positive you have learnt about yourself that will carry you forward into 2010.
Much Love, as ever…
Liz xoxo
Needless to say I am a happy bunny today and super-excited. I haven’t taken a big chunk of time off like this in AAAAAGGGGESSSSSS….so I refuse to feel guilty about it! Instead, I am feeling very reflective today – must be a ‘almost the end of the year’ vibe…
I was thinking about this year, and what makes it different from last year. Last year as I entered the party season – I was at least 31.5lbs heavier, so uncomfortable in my own skin, bloated, bad skin, just generally…. ill at ease, y’know?
This year, I am excited about life – particularly the control I have taken back over my eating and attitude to health and exercise. I have come to the conclusion that I am proud of what I have achieved this year. Seems like it’s only just hitting me. Where, in previous years, I would be excited about letting my constant promises to self to ‘be good’ and attempts to eat healthy and exercise regularly completely slide with the ‘legitimate’ excuse of ‘It’s Christmas’, nowadays I feel excited about knowing how to balance the eat-and-drink-athon that is this time of year with exercise and good, wholesome, nutritional, clean eating. I am excited to have time off to be able to run during daylight hours and to take some day time classes. This time of enforced gym ban has also taught me moderation, how to do just enough to balance and enrich my lifestyle, not needing to cane it each and every time I go. This, for me, is possibly the biggest NSV of them all.
I had a sports massage on my legs this week – it was really good, if a little uncomfortable at times - and I was chatting with Mr Trainer Man about goal weight and what not and he really challenged me NOT to set a goal weight. By this he meant get to the aforementioned 147lbs and then stop obsessing on it and challenge myself with different goals – like a time/strength/distance one. ‘And the weight, Liz…’, he said, ‘…will become a secondary issue and just….happen…’
I cannot describe how MUCH I want this to be true! I would LOVE not to be motivated by those digits on the scale. It feels scary even to be contemplating it. This is how I have lived, for better or for worse, for my whole life! I’ve been saying for a while that I’ve been looking for a new challenge and whaddaya know folks – this might just be it….!! YIKES! I’m glad someone has faith in me to be able to do this – because it seems a bit mad to me, but then I’m doing stuff these days that never would have ‘fitted’ with my goals before….what is life without challenges hey? What a difference a year makes…..I’ve just spent half an hour re-reading back through some of these posts and comments and man alive, I feel tremendously humbled that anyone reads this drivel and self delusion! I SERIOUSLY could not have got through this year without you all. Blogging has made SUCH a difference – I feel as if I’ve made friends here! Is that daft? I know we’ve never met in real life, but I think you guys ‘get’ me – possibly more than some of my real life pals in a lot of ways. I’ve shared stuff here that I would NEVER be brave enough to tell someone in real life – so I thank you for putting up with me! Your encouragement and advice and good ol’ fashioned kicks up the arse mean the world to me.
I thought that when I hit goal I would stop this blog – but it’s such a part of my life and if I’ve learnt anything this year, it’s that this is forever- this way of life I’m trying to re-educate myself into, is NOT about a diet. I’m not ‘at’ goal, not yet. I’m not even sure what that means really, truth be told. But what I do know is this:
My attitude towards living healthy and getting the most I can from my one and only body has completely and, I hope, irrevocably changed for the better. I ENJOY living this way. It’s not a chore or a burden, it’s something I have learned to embrace and now love. Funny that!.
So for now, I will continue to witter on in cyberspace. Thank you for being on this journey with me. I urge you to reflect on this year, cast your eyes back, if only for a moment. We’ve been through a lot this year, some of us more than others. It’s my hope that, whatever you have been through, you can find something positive you have learnt about yourself that will carry you forward into 2010.
Much Love, as ever…
Liz xoxo
Wednesday, 16 December 2009
Absolutely bob all to do with exercise and/or weight loss.....
......HOW GOOD IS GLEE!!!????
They showed the pilot here last night and I am HOOKED!!!!
Whaddaya know? I'm a GLEEK!!!!!
The full season starts here in the UK on E4 in the new year - I CANNOT WAIT!!!!!!
Also - do you think I made a cute Cindy Lou Who?!
C'est tout for today - normal service will resume tomorrow!!
Love BFP xoxo
Sunday, 13 December 2009
A rare Sunday post!
Hi guys and gals....
So, weekly weigh in has been and gone, and I am please to report that I managed to lose another pound and a half, taking my total loss to 31.5lbs and my weight to 10 stone 8 (148 lbs - that maths is getting soooo much easier to do!!) which is really exciting. It means, officially, that I have one lb to go AND on a more NSV related note, it means I will meet my personal target of hitting 147lbs at the last weigh in before Christmas, which is where I was in 2006 (first time round!) - this seems so magical and unbelieveable to me that I might actually get there!
However....
(Come on, you KNEW that was coming..)
I only set my goal at 147lbs because that's where I'd got to last time. I didnt base it on anything other than the fact that I was desperate to prove to myself that despite a crazy hormonal year of hell and frustration, I could be that weight once more.
I'm 5"8' (173cm) - and according to the WW website, the minimum weight for my height is 9 stone 6 (132lbs) and maximum is 11 stone 10 lbs (164lbs). 132lbs sounds teeny tiny - and unattainable. And I do NOT want to get sucked into 'must-achieve-a-number-on-the-scale. So, my question as we launch into a new week, is this...
How did you set your goal weight and how did you know when to stop?
I guess seeking advice from WW Leader and Trainer Man is a good place to start - I'll keep you posted! I'm still really interested in what you think though! Get commenting!!
In other news, I had a training session Friday night with Chris. God it was good to be back - a week seemed like an awfully long time of 'no training'. I felt REALLY GOOD! For the first time in all 8 months I've been training with him I could actually stand to watch myself in the mirror. This is a MASSIVE NSV. He asked me on a purely aesthetic scale of one to ten, ten being your ideal bod, where I felt I was at. My answer was 4 or 5. I wonder if my 'ten' is actually attainable. I need to think about this some more. God, isn't weight loss a total mind f***!!?? (pardon the expression!)
It's Sunday morning, cold, frosty, Christmassy and wonderful. Our tree is up and it's far too early to be thinking so deeply! I am ITCHING to go outside and run....but I won't. "No high impact leg work until after Christmas" is what I have been told and that's what I will stick to.
I might go for a wintery walk to the village garden centre and buy a Poinsettia (God, how quintessentially English does that sound!!??hahaha) and then get down to some weights...and watch a Christmas movie...
Have a great Sunday!!!
Love, BFP xoxox
So, weekly weigh in has been and gone, and I am please to report that I managed to lose another pound and a half, taking my total loss to 31.5lbs and my weight to 10 stone 8 (148 lbs - that maths is getting soooo much easier to do!!) which is really exciting. It means, officially, that I have one lb to go AND on a more NSV related note, it means I will meet my personal target of hitting 147lbs at the last weigh in before Christmas, which is where I was in 2006 (first time round!) - this seems so magical and unbelieveable to me that I might actually get there!
However....
(Come on, you KNEW that was coming..)
I only set my goal at 147lbs because that's where I'd got to last time. I didnt base it on anything other than the fact that I was desperate to prove to myself that despite a crazy hormonal year of hell and frustration, I could be that weight once more.
I'm 5"8' (173cm) - and according to the WW website, the minimum weight for my height is 9 stone 6 (132lbs) and maximum is 11 stone 10 lbs (164lbs). 132lbs sounds teeny tiny - and unattainable. And I do NOT want to get sucked into 'must-achieve-a-number-on-the-scale. So, my question as we launch into a new week, is this...
How did you set your goal weight and how did you know when to stop?
I guess seeking advice from WW Leader and Trainer Man is a good place to start - I'll keep you posted! I'm still really interested in what you think though! Get commenting!!
In other news, I had a training session Friday night with Chris. God it was good to be back - a week seemed like an awfully long time of 'no training'. I felt REALLY GOOD! For the first time in all 8 months I've been training with him I could actually stand to watch myself in the mirror. This is a MASSIVE NSV. He asked me on a purely aesthetic scale of one to ten, ten being your ideal bod, where I felt I was at. My answer was 4 or 5. I wonder if my 'ten' is actually attainable. I need to think about this some more. God, isn't weight loss a total mind f***!!?? (pardon the expression!)
It's Sunday morning, cold, frosty, Christmassy and wonderful. Our tree is up and it's far too early to be thinking so deeply! I am ITCHING to go outside and run....but I won't. "No high impact leg work until after Christmas" is what I have been told and that's what I will stick to.
I might go for a wintery walk to the village garden centre and buy a Poinsettia (God, how quintessentially English does that sound!!??hahaha) and then get down to some weights...and watch a Christmas movie...
Have a great Sunday!!!
Love, BFP xoxox
Friday, 11 December 2009
Fleeting Update!
Hello comrades! Thought I’d update you on the current sitch. You will no doubt be pleased to know that my naturally sunny disposition has kicked in and thus normal service is resumed. Feeling 100% more positive about this whole injury lark - saw my physio on Tuesday and she instantly knew what to do which is soooo reassuring. I am still not allowed to run or do BodyPump though – which I am obviously dealing with like a total brat. Apparently the problem is my knees and hips are all out of whack because of all the ballet I’ve done in the dim and distant past, so whereas ‘normal’ people stand with their feet parallel and hips in line, mine are pretty much rotated through 90 degrees (picture the way a duck stands, with turnout!!) and this has meant that my hips and knees have to work extra hard to stop going ‘off’. Basically, I have dodgy pins! Nice, huh?!
So I’ve been given physio exercises to do and my lovely PT has been in touch with the physio so he can work me out a programme I can do while I’m getting over this hurdle.
Eating has been a funny ol’ thing recently. Last week, when I felt so dire and naffed off and soooooo not in control, I restricted and restricted and obsessed over every little cherry tomato. This week, I exchanged weekly goals with Caro my AMAZING motivational match up and one point was to ‘eat points, track and nothing more’ and I’m happy to report that I have met that goal. I haven’t gone crazy under points, but I haven’t gone over either. I’m definitely noticing I’m not as hungry as I have been recently but I think that’s because I’m not exercising as much –well, at all really. I have upped the protein to help my body heal and just trying to eat as clean as poss. really, so even though I’ll lose muscle tone (sob) my insides will at least be healthy, which is good ground work for when I do start training again.
I had really hoped to be at goal this week or next, but I really don’t think that’ll happen – which is obviously gutting but I guess I have to look after myself, right? This journey is about so much more than a number on a scale. Right?!
So that’s me. I’ll check in tomorrow after weigh in and I need to share some pics with you!!! You’ll laugh your asses off I imagine!!!!
Until then beauties, lotsa love
BP xoxoxox
So I’ve been given physio exercises to do and my lovely PT has been in touch with the physio so he can work me out a programme I can do while I’m getting over this hurdle.
Eating has been a funny ol’ thing recently. Last week, when I felt so dire and naffed off and soooooo not in control, I restricted and restricted and obsessed over every little cherry tomato. This week, I exchanged weekly goals with Caro my AMAZING motivational match up and one point was to ‘eat points, track and nothing more’ and I’m happy to report that I have met that goal. I haven’t gone crazy under points, but I haven’t gone over either. I’m definitely noticing I’m not as hungry as I have been recently but I think that’s because I’m not exercising as much –well, at all really. I have upped the protein to help my body heal and just trying to eat as clean as poss. really, so even though I’ll lose muscle tone (sob) my insides will at least be healthy, which is good ground work for when I do start training again.
I had really hoped to be at goal this week or next, but I really don’t think that’ll happen – which is obviously gutting but I guess I have to look after myself, right? This journey is about so much more than a number on a scale. Right?!
So that’s me. I’ll check in tomorrow after weigh in and I need to share some pics with you!!! You’ll laugh your asses off I imagine!!!!
Until then beauties, lotsa love
BP xoxoxox
Saturday, 5 December 2009
Sightly more positive than yesterday.....
....I can walk ALMOST like a normal person again! WAHOOP!
And.....the results are in.....weigh in Saturday has been and gone and I am delighted to say....
I lost!
Again!
3lbs!!
Even during a week of (enforced) no training/exercise!
I am flabbergasted!
This means I am OFFICIALLY at the 30lbs target!! WOOOOOOP!
I weighed in this morning at 10 stone 9.5lbs (149.5lbs). I AM BLOODY WELL OUT OF THE 150's- ok, so it's by half a pound but YAAAAAAAY!!!!
I cannot believe it.
It's so good for me to realise that I don't have to exercise like it's going out of fashion in order to lose weight. It's good to be reminded that this way of eating works (for me) and suits my lifestyle and pace.
I feel about a million times better today. Thanks for your lovely comments yesterday. I will let you know how it goes with the physio referral....*gulp*
I am going out tonight with my dad's side of the family. We're having dinner together as part of our Annual Whobilation. This year - I am Cindy Lou Who.......I'm sure there will be pictures!
Have a fabulous Saturday night
lovelove BFP xoxox
And.....the results are in.....weigh in Saturday has been and gone and I am delighted to say....
I lost!
Again!
3lbs!!
Even during a week of (enforced) no training/exercise!
I am flabbergasted!
This means I am OFFICIALLY at the 30lbs target!! WOOOOOOP!
I weighed in this morning at 10 stone 9.5lbs (149.5lbs). I AM BLOODY WELL OUT OF THE 150's- ok, so it's by half a pound but YAAAAAAAY!!!!
I cannot believe it.
It's so good for me to realise that I don't have to exercise like it's going out of fashion in order to lose weight. It's good to be reminded that this way of eating works (for me) and suits my lifestyle and pace.
I feel about a million times better today. Thanks for your lovely comments yesterday. I will let you know how it goes with the physio referral....*gulp*
I am going out tonight with my dad's side of the family. We're having dinner together as part of our Annual Whobilation. This year - I am Cindy Lou Who.......I'm sure there will be pictures!
Have a fabulous Saturday night
lovelove BFP xoxox
Friday, 4 December 2009
Dark Days :(
My deepest apologies, dear friends, for the lack of blog action. It has been a particularly low and trying week for me. (Though I have to say I feel a great deal more positive today). Long story short, I’m injured :(
But before I launch into what I’m sure will be a total whine-fest, let me first preface this by saying I am aware this is completely self-indulgent post AND that yes, there IS a bigger picture and there are people going through the most heinous of circumstances right now for whom there is no light at the end of the tunnel. I know this in my rational mind. I am blessed. I am lucky. But I am STILL mightily PISSED OFF! Please don't judge me...
I have had a pain in my hip for a few weeks, which I had assumed was just a little over-stretched from yoga or from squats in BodyPump. I ran through it. Trained through it. Paid particular attention to my hip flexors, making sure they were warmed up and down and stretched out properly. Figured that would be enough. Trained like a mad woman last Friday – ran for an hour, did an hour’s Body Pump where I upped my weights a little. Weighed in on Saturday. Lost 4lbs. Much rejoicing. Noticed my hip socket ached when I walked to the Post Office to collect a parcel (Elf outfit – whole other story) so didn’t do anything on Saturday. By Saturday night I was popping Ibuprofen and in quite a lot of pain. Sunday though, felt ok (er..hello….6 painkillers!) so I did BodyPump. I was late (having been very busy lying on the sofa all the live long day) and the class was starting so I was jogging around the studio to collect my Bar Bell and step and weights and whatnot and I noticed I couldn’t really rely on my hip joint as my leg impacted. I took it easy in the class, particularly squats and lunges and went home, thinking nothing of it. Monday I had a meeting to attend in Manchester (about an hour away) and involved walking to and from train stations and meeting venues and meeting my sister for a lightning-quick cup of coffee before heading back to work. Guys, it was actually painful just to walk! I was hobbling around like a little old woman! *SOB* Stupid thing is I STILL went to the gym Monday night! I did pilates (thinking stretching would help) and walked a little on the treadmill (because I couldn’t physically run).
As I am typing this I am like ‘ WHAT WERE YOU THINKING YOU NUTTER!!!??’. And this brings me to my current freak out – I am hopelessly addicted to working out. Shit! HOW did it get to this soooooo quickly!? This is soooooo old ground for me – the ‘must-workout-at-all-costs’ vibe. And now I am properly injured. Chris (PT) took a look at it Wednesday to see if sports massage might help but couldn’t even do that because my hip is so visibly bruised. Friends, I am in a bit of a pickle. We’re now at Friday – he has categorically banned me from all exercise until further notice and told me to see a physio. I guess I should be glad of his ethical and professional stance but really I am mostly just annoyed right now. And panicky. I was completely unprepared for this overly emotional reaction. I spent yesterday alternating between sobbing and getting mad at people who said things like ‘Have patience’, ‘Cheer up’ ‘It’s Christmas – now you can eat what you like!’ AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! That kind of thinking is precisely what got me into being fat in the first place. The thought of not exercising makes me feel itchy and stressed. Not a normal reaction Elizabeth!
I’ve been hobbling around the office for a few days now, so they have referred me to Occupational Health which means I can see a physiotherapist for free (thanks GOD!) but that’s not till Monday. Patience is sooooooo not one of my strong points and I am not a good patient EVER! Rationally I know that one week off training won’t make a huge difference, and that by next week I will know more and be having treatment and that sports injury physios can help devise me a training programme whilst I’m injured but I am stressed that my muscle tone will go and the weight will pile on. This makes me click into that long-forgotten and dealt with almost default setting of ‘RESTRICT!’ – thinking in terms of calories permanently (and boring the arse off everyone talking about it all the time), doing crazed calculations of calories in and calories expended and panicking anytime anyone mentions food. The twice daily weighing. The scrutinising of my body in the mirror. This is so not healthy behaviour, and I worked damn hard over the years to change this behaviour and thought patterns. I am morbidly fascinated by how QUICKLY it has come back into being. I guess you’re never too ‘safe’. All that bloody work I’ve done on my mind and body, focusing on strength and being capable rather than repeating the mantra - surely it’s not for nothing. Surely I am more knowledgeable now?
I just feel so sad. I was on such a roll and goal was in sight. I feel a bit……lost. Like nobody understands. Bloggies??! Help!
So there you go. Sorry for the verbal diarrhoea and insight into the neuroses of my head. I’m ok, really. Just need to get this in perspective. Both hip and knee feel improved today but still limping. Definitely going to go ahead with physio as soon as I can, if only so I can get back to some level of training as soon as possible. I absolutely cannot wait until after Christmas before I can start working out again – this time of year is my all time favourite and I need to balance it with some form of exercise. Apparently I need to balance my exercise too….maybe once I’m healed I need to actually listen to my trainer and not over train. Will I learn my lesson? God, I hope so.
Yours, frustratedly,
Lxoxo
But before I launch into what I’m sure will be a total whine-fest, let me first preface this by saying I am aware this is completely self-indulgent post AND that yes, there IS a bigger picture and there are people going through the most heinous of circumstances right now for whom there is no light at the end of the tunnel. I know this in my rational mind. I am blessed. I am lucky. But I am STILL mightily PISSED OFF! Please don't judge me...
I have had a pain in my hip for a few weeks, which I had assumed was just a little over-stretched from yoga or from squats in BodyPump. I ran through it. Trained through it. Paid particular attention to my hip flexors, making sure they were warmed up and down and stretched out properly. Figured that would be enough. Trained like a mad woman last Friday – ran for an hour, did an hour’s Body Pump where I upped my weights a little. Weighed in on Saturday. Lost 4lbs. Much rejoicing. Noticed my hip socket ached when I walked to the Post Office to collect a parcel (Elf outfit – whole other story) so didn’t do anything on Saturday. By Saturday night I was popping Ibuprofen and in quite a lot of pain. Sunday though, felt ok (er..hello….6 painkillers!) so I did BodyPump. I was late (having been very busy lying on the sofa all the live long day) and the class was starting so I was jogging around the studio to collect my Bar Bell and step and weights and whatnot and I noticed I couldn’t really rely on my hip joint as my leg impacted. I took it easy in the class, particularly squats and lunges and went home, thinking nothing of it. Monday I had a meeting to attend in Manchester (about an hour away) and involved walking to and from train stations and meeting venues and meeting my sister for a lightning-quick cup of coffee before heading back to work. Guys, it was actually painful just to walk! I was hobbling around like a little old woman! *SOB* Stupid thing is I STILL went to the gym Monday night! I did pilates (thinking stretching would help) and walked a little on the treadmill (because I couldn’t physically run).
As I am typing this I am like ‘ WHAT WERE YOU THINKING YOU NUTTER!!!??’. And this brings me to my current freak out – I am hopelessly addicted to working out. Shit! HOW did it get to this soooooo quickly!? This is soooooo old ground for me – the ‘must-workout-at-all-costs’ vibe. And now I am properly injured. Chris (PT) took a look at it Wednesday to see if sports massage might help but couldn’t even do that because my hip is so visibly bruised. Friends, I am in a bit of a pickle. We’re now at Friday – he has categorically banned me from all exercise until further notice and told me to see a physio. I guess I should be glad of his ethical and professional stance but really I am mostly just annoyed right now. And panicky. I was completely unprepared for this overly emotional reaction. I spent yesterday alternating between sobbing and getting mad at people who said things like ‘Have patience’, ‘Cheer up’ ‘It’s Christmas – now you can eat what you like!’ AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! That kind of thinking is precisely what got me into being fat in the first place. The thought of not exercising makes me feel itchy and stressed. Not a normal reaction Elizabeth!
I’ve been hobbling around the office for a few days now, so they have referred me to Occupational Health which means I can see a physiotherapist for free (thanks GOD!) but that’s not till Monday. Patience is sooooooo not one of my strong points and I am not a good patient EVER! Rationally I know that one week off training won’t make a huge difference, and that by next week I will know more and be having treatment and that sports injury physios can help devise me a training programme whilst I’m injured but I am stressed that my muscle tone will go and the weight will pile on. This makes me click into that long-forgotten and dealt with almost default setting of ‘RESTRICT!’ – thinking in terms of calories permanently (and boring the arse off everyone talking about it all the time), doing crazed calculations of calories in and calories expended and panicking anytime anyone mentions food. The twice daily weighing. The scrutinising of my body in the mirror. This is so not healthy behaviour, and I worked damn hard over the years to change this behaviour and thought patterns. I am morbidly fascinated by how QUICKLY it has come back into being. I guess you’re never too ‘safe’. All that bloody work I’ve done on my mind and body, focusing on strength and being capable rather than repeating the mantra - surely it’s not for nothing. Surely I am more knowledgeable now?
I just feel so sad. I was on such a roll and goal was in sight. I feel a bit……lost. Like nobody understands. Bloggies??! Help!
So there you go. Sorry for the verbal diarrhoea and insight into the neuroses of my head. I’m ok, really. Just need to get this in perspective. Both hip and knee feel improved today but still limping. Definitely going to go ahead with physio as soon as I can, if only so I can get back to some level of training as soon as possible. I absolutely cannot wait until after Christmas before I can start working out again – this time of year is my all time favourite and I need to balance it with some form of exercise. Apparently I need to balance my exercise too….maybe once I’m healed I need to actually listen to my trainer and not over train. Will I learn my lesson? God, I hope so.
Yours, frustratedly,
Lxoxo
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