Dark Days :(

My deepest apologies, dear friends, for the lack of blog action. It has been a particularly low and trying week for me. (Though I have to say I feel a great deal more positive today). Long story short, I’m injured :(

But before I launch into what I’m sure will be a total whine-fest, let me first preface this by saying I am aware this is completely self-indulgent post AND that yes, there IS a bigger picture and there are people going through the most heinous of circumstances right now for whom there is no light at the end of the tunnel. I know this in my rational mind. I am blessed. I am lucky. But I am STILL mightily PISSED OFF! Please don't judge me...



I have had a pain in my hip for a few weeks, which I had assumed was just a little over-stretched from yoga or from squats in BodyPump. I ran through it. Trained through it. Paid particular attention to my hip flexors, making sure they were warmed up and down and stretched out properly. Figured that would be enough. Trained like a mad woman last Friday – ran for an hour, did an hour’s Body Pump where I upped my weights a little. Weighed in on Saturday. Lost 4lbs. Much rejoicing. Noticed my hip socket ached when I walked to the Post Office to collect a parcel (Elf outfit – whole other story) so didn’t do anything on Saturday. By Saturday night I was popping Ibuprofen and in quite a lot of pain. Sunday though, felt ok (er..hello….6 painkillers!) so I did BodyPump. I was late (having been very busy lying on the sofa all the live long day) and the class was starting so I was jogging around the studio to collect my Bar Bell and step and weights and whatnot and I noticed I couldn’t really rely on my hip joint as my leg impacted. I took it easy in the class, particularly squats and lunges and went home, thinking nothing of it. Monday I had a meeting to attend in Manchester (about an hour away) and involved walking to and from train stations and meeting venues and meeting my sister for a lightning-quick cup of coffee before heading back to work. Guys, it was actually painful just to walk! I was hobbling around like a little old woman! *SOB* Stupid thing is I STILL went to the gym Monday night! I did pilates (thinking stretching would help) and walked a little on the treadmill (because I couldn’t physically run).

As I am typing this I am like ‘ WHAT WERE YOU THINKING YOU NUTTER!!!??’. And this brings me to my current freak out – I am hopelessly addicted to working out. Shit! HOW did it get to this soooooo quickly!? This is soooooo old ground for me – the ‘must-workout-at-all-costs’ vibe. And now I am properly injured. Chris (PT) took a look at it Wednesday to see if sports massage might help but couldn’t even do that because my hip is so visibly bruised. Friends, I am in a bit of a pickle. We’re now at Friday – he has categorically banned me from all exercise until further notice and told me to see a physio. I guess I should be glad of his ethical and professional stance but really I am mostly just annoyed right now. And panicky. I was completely unprepared for this overly emotional reaction. I spent yesterday alternating between sobbing and getting mad at people who said things like ‘Have patience’, ‘Cheer up’ ‘It’s Christmas – now you can eat what you like!’ AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! That kind of thinking is precisely what got me into being fat in the first place. The thought of not exercising makes me feel itchy and stressed. Not a normal reaction Elizabeth!

I’ve been hobbling around the office for a few days now, so they have referred me to Occupational Health which means I can see a physiotherapist for free (thanks GOD!) but that’s not till Monday. Patience is sooooooo not one of my strong points and I am not a good patient EVER! Rationally I know that one week off training won’t make a huge difference, and that by next week I will know more and be having treatment and that sports injury physios can help devise me a training programme whilst I’m injured but I am stressed that my muscle tone will go and the weight will pile on. This makes me click into that long-forgotten and dealt with almost default setting of ‘RESTRICT!’ – thinking in terms of calories permanently (and boring the arse off everyone talking about it all the time), doing crazed calculations of calories in and calories expended and panicking anytime anyone mentions food. The twice daily weighing. The scrutinising of my body in the mirror. This is so not healthy behaviour, and I worked damn hard over the years to change this behaviour and thought patterns. I am morbidly fascinated by how QUICKLY it has come back into being. I guess you’re never too ‘safe’. All that bloody work I’ve done on my mind and body, focusing on strength and being capable rather than repeating the mantra - surely it’s not for nothing. Surely I am more knowledgeable now?

I just feel so sad. I was on such a roll and goal was in sight. I feel a bit……lost. Like nobody understands. Bloggies??! Help!

So there you go. Sorry for the verbal diarrhoea and insight into the neuroses of my head. I’m ok, really. Just need to get this in perspective. Both hip and knee feel improved today but still limping. Definitely going to go ahead with physio as soon as I can, if only so I can get back to some level of training as soon as possible. I absolutely cannot wait until after Christmas before I can start working out again – this time of year is my all time favourite and I need to balance it with some form of exercise. Apparently I need to balance my exercise too….maybe once I’m healed I need to actually listen to my trainer and not over train. Will I learn my lesson? God, I hope so.

Yours, frustratedly,

Lxoxo