Wednesday, 8 April 2009

Introducing Give in, Balance and Nut Job!!

Morning all! Me again, yakking on about what I eat. Bored yet?

Ok then. So here’s the thing. Yesterday I didn’t get to swim at lunch. This was because the girls had organised a lunch date in honour of someone’s birthday and I had said yes weeks ago. I REALLY WANTED to swim, in fact I started to get all anxious about NOT being able to go to the pool, so I cancelled the lunch plans. And THEN I got an email from the organiser of the lunch saying that everyone else had cried off - so OBVIOUSLY I felt immediately guilty and made some lame ass excuse about being able to make it after all, but not for lunch. (They were going to a Wetherspoons! WETHERSPOONS! AS IF there’s anything I can eat there!!)

I had to give myself a right old talking to, let me tell you. This pursuit of good health (and I am TRYING to focus on that rather than the weight loss) is a lifelong thing. It is not going to happen overnight, and in the grand scheme of things, if I miss one day of swimming it’s all going to be ok. It’s about balance. I am definitely an all or nothing person. I am learning more and more how to integrate my extremes into one fairly rounded individual but it’s tough! The anxiety I felt yesterday was, to me, an alarm bell; one of the delightful throwbacks to my crazy eating disorder days. Something that tells me I need to have a word with myself; ‘OK, let’s take stock. The obsessive behaviour may be about to rear its ugly head. You know that when you start to get angry and stressed with situations, like for example, friends – people you ACTUALLY love spending time with - for including you in plans you haven’t prepared for or that interfere in some way with your control of the day it’s time to stop, rest, reassess. ‘

So I did.

I did not go swimming and engineered it so that they would have ordered before I got there. I had an Apple and Melon J20 with lots of ice (2 points I think – couldn’t find it online) whilst the girls ate onion rings, white flour tortilla wraps, chunky chips, full fat mayo and all kindsa crap.

I feel so ashamed but I actually did that thing (internally) where I gloated a little bit about them stuffing themselves with crap whilst I abstained. That horrible bitchy girl thing where I sit feeling gloriously empty and therefore smug with triumph and totally serene– the same feeling I used to get by not eating for weeks on end or by gorging and then puking. Dangerous territory for me, again that alarm bell went off.

IT’S ALL ABOUT BALANCE ELIZABETH! For me, following a diet, way of life, healthy eating plan, call it what you will, becomes all-encompassing. I’m either in, or I’m out. I’m a ‘complete-finisher’ apparently! I go through 3 ‘types’ or versions of ‘me’ when I am dieting! Type One is ‘Give in easily’ – so using the example above, at one time I would gladly have welcomed the excuse not to go swimming and furthermore, eaten the god-awful pub food perfectly happily with my chums.

The second one would be ‘Balance’. Again, using the above example: I would have accepted, without anxiety, that I would not have the opportunity to swim that day. I would have researched the menu online and found the healthiest option so that I stayed in control and made sure I worked out a bit harder the following day to account for the unplanned, and most importantly, I would not have let it bother me.

I am currently in the 3rd type – which I like to call ‘Nutjob’ I need to get back to Type 2! Was I ever there? Will this ALWAYS be such a struggle? It took me a week to get to this place after being a TYPE One-r in Barcelona, and afterward.

I fluctuate between wanting to be healthy and perpetuate this plan as a way of life – fitting it into my life, and ‘all or nothing, do or die, slog slog slog diet at all costs’ weird obsessive compulsive, anxiety driven behaviour.

I KNOW there is a pattern of behaviour like that in my cognitive processes and I have worked damn hard at modifying them and finding a balance. This has been no easy walk in the park dudes! BUT I am sooooooo much more ‘normal’ than I was HAHA!

It’s a challenge for me to eat healthy and try to lose weight the RIGHT WAY when I know with certainty that I can do it a whole host of other, shall we say, less healthy ways. Been there, done that, lets not open that particular Pandora’s box!

So, a stern word has been had. I am NOT going to organise my life based on how many calories I have burned off, I am going to embrace my healthy lifestyle because it’s for me, it makes me feel good, it’s about being the best me I can be for me, not anyone else and not at the expense of health, happiness and relationships. So there. Job done. Swift slap across the face and I’m good to go! Lol!

So this morning I feel wholly in control in a positive way rather than a slightly unhinged my-world-will-fall-apart-if-I-cannot-workout way (I wasn’t THERE yesterday, merely caught and paid attention to the warning signs!) And ironically, Husband called me at work just now asking me if I wanted to meet him for lunch (he’s off this week) - the state I was in yesterday, that invitation would have sent me loopy. Not this morning however. I have taken issue with my weirdness, addressed it and moved on. I calmly advised him that I couldn’t do lunch because I wanted (not ‘needed’) to go for a swim. I choose to do that this lunchtime, because it makes me feel good, gives me time to think and benefits me hugely. I am making a sensible choice – I am out tonight again where there will be alcohol and I did not swim yesterday, so today I will.

Do you see the difference?

The difference between a compulsion and a choice. A ‘need’ to do something and a ‘want’. Being controlled by something and controlling it.

The difference between yesterday and today.

Interesting stuff hey!

And with that mini mental breakdown report over and done with, onto the boring stuff!

Yesterday I had :

B – 2 x Weetabix with skimmed milk (2) - Am getting a bit fed up with them but in terms of fibre they do the job, if you catch my drift…. J, plus English Breakfast tea. Milk allowance for day (2).

L – Apple and Melon J20 (2) (grrrrrrr). 4 Ryvitas (2) and 2 laughing Cow (1) plus strawberries (1).

D – Leftover ratatouille thing (0) plus a small baked potato (2.5)

Snacks – grapes (1) and yoghurt (1) plus 2, yes 2, litres of agua (0). At the pub I had 4 single vodka lime and sodas, 25ml shots and sugarfee lime so (4) total. That sound like a lot but I was there from 8pm till midnight so one an hour is pretty good going for a party gal like myself!!!!! I also had a bag of ww baked crisps (1) at the meeting.
Exercise – 1 hour pilates and a shuffle home J

Total for Tuesday: 19.5

Which brings me to Wednesday! I have most definitely got that Friday feeling today as I am off tomorrow until next Tuesday – yaaaaay for Easter!

B – 2 x Weetabix plus skimmed milk (did I mention I am creature of habit and routine who has a tendency to stick to patterns? Hahaha!!) (2) plus 2 x tea (0), milk allowance (2)

Midmorning – grapes(1), strawberries (0.5) and yoghurt (1)

Lunch – 4 Ryvita (2) and Laughing cow (1) plus rest of strawbs (0.5) and another yoghurt

Dinner – Final instalment of the ratatouille (0) this time with 60g of whole-wheat pasta (3)

So that will be 14 points out of 20, leaving me 6 remaining for tonight’s festivities. Which is not a lot. Which is good! So I figure 2 glasses champagne (4) and maybe a G&SLT (1) with water in between. How’s that sound?

Exercise – swim @ lunchtime and then after work I am going to do another run – haven’t decided on the 4k @8.5kph or the interval training…..we shall see!! (God my life is sooooooooo exciting!)

Must dash - there is actually work to be done!!
Heaps of love, your crazy friend

BigFatPie xoxo


MB said...

Balance is definitely the key but it is so hard to go out socially and watch everyone else dig in to all those high calorie, diet busting foods. Keep up the good work. You've inspired me to look for a place to swim. Thanks for being so supportive and such an inspiration.

Bri said...

I too am an "all or nothing" girl! It's so very hard, isn't it? I find that I am in full on Weight Watchers/Healthy/Exercise mode, or I am in Screw It All mode. I've learned a lot about myself over the last decade in terms of eating habits and my personality, but it's still a daily struggle. I know tracking what I eat- no matter what- is the key to success for me, but why oh why is it so tedious sometimes?!?

Jen, a priorfatgirl said...

waaaaaa!!!! healthiness has ruined my social life!

I have totally noticed Im not as social at work during the lunch hour because I eat my frozen meal. Someone ask's me to go out to eat and I respond "oh, thanks, but I brought my lunch today."

I have no friends!

Ok, I'll stop being a drama queen. I actually have tried to say yes to lunches and instead, just bring my lunch with. So if they are goign to the cafeteria on site here, I just bring my lunch with and walk with them through the line.

Kathleen said...

I totally know what you mean about the whole "nutjob" thing. It's so all of our struggle! What a great post!

♥ Dee ♥ said...

"Will this ALWAYS be such a struggle?"

In a word: yes.

However, that doesn't mean you won't succeed in getting to a healthy place in life. I lost all my weight. I feel great. But I still struggle. I still have to be conscious EVERY day about my choices, because I never want to be that unhealthy person again.

I kinda thought, I guess, that once I was healthy, all that stuff would magically disappear. Boy, was I wrong!!

But you know what? It's MUCH nicer being a svelte sexy nutjob than a fat unhealthy nutjob. MUCH.

Is that a consolation? LOLOL