I get a knot of anxiety in my chest that washes over me in a wave of panic whenever I think about how I haven't worked out or eaten right or how things have interrupted my usual routine.
For example, this week I have not yet worked out once. This past weekend I was busy with rehearsals, ditto Monday, Tuesday was my birthday + I had visitors and dinner out, yesterday I was exhausted + worked late so all I could do was lie on the sofa till bedtime, and eat beans on toast for dnner. With cheese on. And brown sauce. Winning combo in the comfort food stakes but not if you're trying to lose weight. I also had a craving for a Greggs' pastie + those of you who live in the UK will understand the magnitude of that statement....
Learning? When I'm tired + possibly a little overstretched, my willpower + discipline go out the window.
I can't even do my usual Thursday night gym blitz because I've got a new client to assess, which is awesome for business but leaves me back in that anxious state.
How have I gone from my dedicated self of last week to this?! Last week it was such a priority for me (largely driven by fear about the show, admittedly) + yet this week not so much.
Is it that I think I've got it covered? Have I relaxed given that my "Forum" costume fits? Apparently I've gained 5lbs since Saturday's triumphant weigh in. I realise this is not "fat" but rather the result of eating bread, birthday cake and pasta when ordinarily I would steer clear of them.
Why is it so difficult for me to move past this? Why can't I just chalk it up to experience + get back on plan? My anxiety leads to low mood which leads to demotivation coupled with tiredness which means I don't feeeeel like exercising, so I don't! So I feel guilty + more anxious. I can literally *see* the cycle written up on a whiteboard for a client! And thus we spiral outta control.
I know that being out of my "pattern" stresses me out. This is a remnant of eating disorder land + OCD + possibly just being a Virgo.(....either that or I actually AM on the Autistic Spectrum......). I know this. And yet it is this aspect of my life that I have the least control over. It sneaks up on me + surpises me. And it is especially humbling because I help people with these same issue for a living!!!!!
This hurdle - albeit fleeting + momentary- is bigger to me than any aspect of eating + exercise. And this is why ww and seeing a pt is (for me, + I would imagine many, many others) not enough. The psychological facet of it all is what I find most difficult + frustrating.
Life hey! Who knew I'd be such a nutjob!!!!????