Haven't we all?! I hear you cry.
Let me explain what I mean. Last night I had a dance rehearsal for the show that I'm in. My costume is little more than an embellished bikini. I know. Insania. It got me thinking. I find it MENTAL that I am contemplating not only wearing said item, but also engaging in full on dance routines whilst wearing said item. On a stage. In front of people. People I know. HOLY Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiznuts! (as someone I love dearly would say!)
So, arguably, you might say that my self image has improved considerably since I got to goal, took control of my eating and my health, started working out etc etc. Because there's NO WAY IN HELL I ever would have considered wearing said item in said vicinity when I was 40 odd lbs heavier.
It occurred to me, looking back through old (now hideous) pics of myself, that back then I genuinely thought that I looked ok. I mean, sure, I've never been 'beautiful' in the classic sense of the word, but I know how to dress for my shape, I'm good at clothes and I have my own style and whatnot. Plus my husband it damn hot so I figure I cant be totally fugly.....(er hello putting your self worth in other people/things alert!!!)
All joking aside, what I mean is, I genuinely did not see the unhealthy, flabby body before me. But never mind hey? At least now I have it all in perspective and can look objectively at my own reflection and be pleased with what Ive achieved.
I think, and here's the point of the post, that I have got WORSE instead of better!
I'm so much more self critical, forever "checking" in the mirror whether my stomach is flat, how toned my arms/back/shoulders/legs/stomach/ how sharp my profile is/is there a space under my ribs/whether I've got love handles/etc etc.
I torment myself with "things to work on next" itineraries and I am never happy with my image in pictures.....there's always something I'd change. I never USED to do this.. I never would pick holes in my appearance like this.
So why is this? What's changed? Is it that my "standards" of expectation I set myself are higher (in my eyes) now? Is it because I finally have a glimpse of just how athletic my body can be? Is it because I'm motivated or is it because I have gone over to the dark side.
Is this normal when you've lost a chunk of weight? I so want to be able to appreciate my body for what it is and what it can do, and how amazing it has become (is becoming? Always was?) not be all negative and self-critical all the time. I fully subscribe to the 'Be your own superhero' maxim but cant quite get past the self-scrutiny.